Let’s face it, we all go through tough times and when things get overwhelming complaining tends to be a default.

Unfortunately, complaining has become somewhat acceptable in our society despite the negative consequences it has on our mental and physical well being.

Complaining actually doesn’t solve anything and in fact has been proven to negatively impact those exposed to and involved in it.  

What Could be Fuelling Your Complaining

  • Discontentment
  • Unsatisfied with oneself or their life
  • Mismanagement of emotions
  • Entitlement
  • Lack of control
  • Fear
  • Anxiety
  • Overwhelming stress
  • Avoiding to address the actual concern or problem

The Negative Consequences of Complaining on Your Health

A negative outlook prevents you from seeing the positive things in life and affects your emotional resiliency to difficult situations.
It can increase the likelihood of you developing anxiety and other mood disorders later in life and is even a cause of depression or can further contribute to any pre-existing depressive episodes you may already be experiencing through a continual sense of hopelessness and profound sadness.

Complaining prevents your growth in personal goals and achievements, which will continue the cycle of a perpetual negative perspective and negatively impact personal relationships as people distance themselves from the negativity, and further isolating yourself when others don’t share in your views.

Additionally, continual complaining can cause feelings of irritability, frustration, misplaced anger, as well as physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomach pains, and a loss of appetite.

How Can I Break This Pattern?

The first things you can do is to stop and reflect on what is it that you are actually upset about.
Often times there is an underlying issue there and if you keep avoiding the underlying issue, you remain discontent and your brain will constantly seek other ways to release that frustration often in the form of complaining.

Questions to ask yourself:

Does this really matter? Often time we make a big deal out of issues just because the opportunity is presented.

What value does this concern/problem I’m complaining about really have in my life?

Does this issue deserve by energy or can I let it go? Everything we do and say exerts energy; is this a valuable use of this limited resource?

What is my intention behind complaining? Is it for attention, am I frustrated, do I want to be heard, and/or am I looking for a solution?

What gives me the right to complain? Reveals privilege and assists with change in perspective.

Do I have control over this issue? If not, how can I control my response to the issue so that my response is impactful to me and my well being?

How to Effectively Handle Complaining in Others

1. Listen

Listen to the feeling behind the complaint.
In other words pay attention to their feeling and not so much on the content of the complaint.

2. Validate

Validate their feelings.

You can say things like: “it sounds like you are really frustrated”, “that sounds very challenging”, “you sound upset”, “I hear that your angry”, “you sound disappointed”.

We all need validation and validating someone’s feelings even if you don’t agree with their complaint demonstrates empathy. Validation also supports the focus on the feeling rather then the concern which may decrease the focus on the problem.
Reminding them that how one manages our response to situations and emotions are in our control.

3. Redirect

Redirect the conversation – that doesn’t mean ignore, it means focusing on solutions rather than the problem.

You can say things like: “is there something you’d like support with”, “have you thought about any solutions”, “how have you dealt with situations like this in the past”, “have you taken the opportunity to voice your concerns to others”.

4. Encourage

Offering a word of encouragement can be helpful. This allows you to validate their feelings, but not get involved in the complaint yet encourage them with some positivity.

You can say things like: “you are so resourceful, I don’t doubt you will get through this”, “you are strong”, “you are smart and have great ideas, I know you will manage this well”, “you are insightful, I’m sure you can come up with a solution”.

The idea here is to remind them of their strengths as these same strengths will assist in their ability to overcome the situation that is currently presenting as problematic.  

All of these suggestions are proven to help redirect negative into a positive situation and the person complaining can walk away feeling heard and hopefully redirected to focus on what they can do and as the person offering support you have successfully supported someone in need.

We are all responsible for our own behaviours and actions and while it’s nice and supportive to help someone in need, it isn’t your responsibility. Some people have been living their whole lives complaining and it’s become apart of their survival. Accept that you can’t help everyone and be proud of yourself for trying.

Remember we can only offer information and support; what people chose to do with it is their responsibility not yours.